I sat at my computer after the assassination attempt on former President Trump. On the same night, there were two shooting incidents in Alabama. People died in both cases. I felt a need to write to dads, but I wondered what to write. There was clearly the subject of gun violence and the discussion around access to weapons. There was the conversation about the need to connect with folks who would engage in such violence, whether about mental health, isolation or whatever drives them to such action. There was an ongoing conversation about how to deal with the lack of civility, anger and tension in our society. We have had conversations about all these issues before. We all have our opinions. Those of us who have chosen, have spoken out already. In past articles, I have tried to put all these issues in the context of how we guide our children.
What do I say now? Is there more to the conversation? Do I play it again? I have concluded, like others, that the question we should grapple with in the short term is not what we say, but how we say it. Even though that question is also a recurring one, it seems the answer remains the first step in resolving the other issues. As fathers, isn’t our responsibility to remind our children how to engage in civil discourse? Aren’t we obligated to help them resolve differences without conflict? Shouldn’t we remind them how to listen?
Speak Softly
Years ago, I learned two lessons about self-control and listening. The first was when my son was in kindergarten. His teacher was a woman in her sixties, a wonderful person and effective teacher. I learned she was also gifted at getting her students to listen. One day I had the opportunity to visit her classroom. Like many kindergarten teachers, she called the children to sit on a large rug centered in the room where she taught a lesson each day. Not unexpectedly, as the children tried to settle on the floor, they continued to talk and interact with each other. Let’s just say it was noisy.
Then the teachable moment for me. Rather than raising her voice above the “roar of the crowd”, this woman of wisdom began speaking to the group in a soft voice, almost a whisper. As she spoke, remarkably, the children focused on her and became quiet. They wanted to hear what she had to say. The room drew silent except for her voice.
Speaking in a calm tone with an air of wisdom, she presented the day’s lesson. Knowing that when their teacher spoke it was worth listening, the children sat attentively in silence. When called upon to answer a question, reflecting their leader, they responded in a similar calm and respectful manner. The person leading the conversation set the tone. Worth noting. She was the “adult in the room”.
Maintain Your Composure
My high school coach taught me a similar lesson. In the middle of a closely contested wrestling match, the opposing coach began shouting at the referee about a decision. My coach approached the ref and shared his position in a calm and thoughtful manner. The referee ruled in our favor. Later in his role as my mentor, he shared that he could not help our team if he lost control of his emotions. He said he needed to stay calm so others – officials and his team members – might listen to him. He, too set the tone for our team. Calm; yet focused and committed to the task at hand. Focus on your own strategy and effort. Emotion, bravado; and criticism of your opponent will likely get in the way of success. Louder is rarely better. Others will hear the noise, but not the message.
I have been guided by these lessons over and over again. In my career as an advocate, I have found that calm and well-reasoned 
discourse almost always is more effective than argument loaded with aggression and negativity. As a coach, on many occasions, I have kept the attention of young soccer players by speaking calmly and quietly. I have seen the results when they took the field.
Passing It On
So, I wonder shouldn’t we pass on to our children the simple lessons we learned from the teachers and coaches who taught us? Shouldn’t we teach them to turn down the volume and proceed with civility?
Think about the times of disagreement among our own children when we instruct them to “work out their differences”. Do we encourage them to yell and scream at each other? Or even engage in fisticuffs? How many times have we instructed them to sit down and talk to each other? With hopes that they will resolve things politely. Isn’t it time to assure that we are taking our own advice? Don’t we believe that composure and courtesy are the most effective ways to resolving our differences? Isn’t that the culture we want to leave our children?
Take Our Swings Every Day
I have written about civility and grace before, but, maybe a reminder to use a softer tone is still the next step. Learning requires repetition. Change sometimes requires relearning. Ask any math instructor. In baseball, everyday players take batting practice. Same old, same old. They know how to hit. They have done it all their lives. Yet, every day, they get in the cage and take their swings. Hoping to improve. Eliminating the weaknesses. Emphasizing strengths. Purging bad habits. Hoping the practice will impact the way they play the game that day.
Back to the Basics
As dads, I suggest we practice resetting the tone in our community. Every morning, when our children leave for school, we should say, “Have a good day, be safe, remember I love you.” When our teenagers get in the car, we should say, “buckle up, be careful, text me after you arrive.” Maybe we should intentionally add, “be kind to others, talk nicely, and listen.” All with a tone of courtesy, a dose of civility and a hint of grace. Children see what we do and hear what we say. Perhaps they will follow our example throughout their day. Perhaps we will carry that tone into our day, too.
No one gets tired of hearing that someone cares about them. Even though “be careful or be safe” might seem redundant and unnecessary. Even when eliciting the response, “I know, Dad”. I think down deep they value those reminders. The last thing in your brain…. “Be careful”. A good thought. A reassuring tone. Maybe it makes a difference. Maybe it is the confirmation of a relationship. Even if we have strayed from our intended path, we can get back to the basics. Batting practice. Every day.
Be The Grown Ups
We can keep on talking. I can express my opinion about gun control. I can express my opinion about the need for civility. I can express my opinion about loving our neighbors. We can keep saying the things we want to say. But if we want others to listen, we will be more successful if we do it in a civil and reasonable way. My hope is that if all of us will join in, maybe the tone will soften. Maybe the words will be less aggressive. Maybe we will stop chanting “fight, fight, fight”. Sometimes we use “Kum Ba Yah” as a punch line. Maybe it’s time has come. Holding hands is a good thing.
Robert Louis Stevenson described the lamplighters in his childhood and his image of them “punching holes in the darkness.” Now is our time to continue that imagery and light our way to a more civil community. Our words do matter. How we say them matters, too. We should remind ourselves of All We Really Need to Know We Learned in Kindergarten; and resist the temptation to act like we are still there. Dads can be the “grown-ups in the room.”
Events of recent days should encourage us to start anew. We can show our children how to engage with each other. Respectfully. Politely. The way we would like others to engage with us. Maybe we can turn the volume down, lower the temperature and actually listen to each other. One dad at a time.
