I have good friends who are preparing to send their oldest children off to college in about a month. They have shared with me
about gathering the necessities for their student’s dorm room. Like so many of us before, some place in their home has become a staging area for those items they will need to transport in their SUVs to their children’s universities. Among the piles are sheets, blankets, towels, study lamps, storage bins, air purifiers, coffee makers and the like. Many items have been purchased based on a suggested list from the university. The Amazon driver doesn’t need GPS to find their houses.
What Else?
As the dads see their children attend to the checklist necessary to furnish a modern day dorm room, they confess they are doing their own accounting. They are taking inventory of the contents in the proverbial Be There Dad backpack. As they anticipate leaving their children to fend for themselves, they think about all the lessons, experiences and values they have tried to provide to them so they will be ready for that next phase of their lives. Have I taught them the lessons they will need to use? What else do I need to cram in there before moving day?
Pursuing “Happy”
With the dorm room and back pack full, the larger question is how dads help set expectations for the upcoming four years. How do we encourage these emerging adults to get the most benefit from their days on campus? At Be There Dad we define “winning” as helping our children become happy, healthy, self-sustaining and spiritual. That seems to me a good outline of the expectations for college years as well.
Dads often feel the need to put a emphasis on academic success with the goal of leading to financial prosperity. When suggesting a major course of study, we often lead our children to fields where they will have a greater potential to make more money. Sure, we want them to be financially secure. Self-sustaining is part of the expectation. But, what about the “happy” part of the “winning” equation? Isn’t that the first step in becoming a satisfied adult? Will money buy them happiness? Maybe we should consider college as the first adult step in their “pursuit of happiness.” One of the pillars of our society.
Recently, my friend shared this quote from a college administrator addressing the students and parents of an incoming freshman class at a prestigious university:
While we all hope that our children will do well in school, we hope with great fervor that they will do well in life. Our job is to help them know
and appreciate themselves deeply, to be resilient in the face of adversity, to approach the world with zest, to find work that is satisfying, friends and spouses who are loving and loyal, and to hold a deep belief that they have something meaningful to contribute to the world.” That sounds like a description of happiness to me.
Just Beyond Hard
At the same time we should remind our children that all this requires hard work. I heard a basketball coach instructing a player with high potential about hard work. He said, “the things you really want in life are just beyond hard.” While they will differ for each child, we can guide them to define those things that are just beyond hard for them personally. What do they really want to get out of their lives? Knowing what they are and wanting them passionately will make their efforts worth it. Undoubtedly, such a strategy will lead towards happiness. College is a great place to start.
We should be intentional about how we help guide them. What will help them in their pursuit of a 
meaningful life? Take advantage of the opportunities on a college campus. Go to class. Study hard. But find time to volunteer somewhere. Have discussions with classmates about issues of the day. Introduce yourself to someone new. Someone from another state, another country. Someone who doesn’t look like you. Learn about them. Learn to think. Learn to solve problems. Learn to listen. Instead of thinking about how much money you can make, think about how you can make the world a better place. Make someone else happy. Study the Humanities, but prepare for a role in humanity. All these things can lead to happiness. I wonder. If we are all happy with ourselves, won’t the world become a happier place, too?
The Joy in Life
In years to come, when we hear others speak about our adult children, what would we like to hear? That they make a lot of money or that they are caring, kind human beings? That they have gotten a promotion at work or that they volunteer at the homeless shelter? A new car or a hand written note that says, “best teacher ever?” I think about all the many times, I have been introduced to someone new as only a volunteer soccer coach or Sunday School teacher. Those are the descriptions of the joy in my life. I realize now that they were steps in my own pursuit of happiness. How do we want our children to be known as they grow into self-sufficient adults? Help them define the things they really want in their lives. The things beyond hard. The joy in life. The pursuit of happiness.
