In the Beginning
When I started my Be There Dad journey, my kids were young, so I was seeking to understand how I could personally be the best dad possible. In my pursuit of an answer, I eventually focused on my own dad. It seemed that my brothers and I had turned out well as adults, so I wondered what our father had done to make that possible. For me, I concluded that the most important element of his parenting was that he was always there. I called his approach the “power of presence”. Then, I used that concept as the basis of my fatherhood strategy. Now, some twenty-five years later, I am reflecting on that path I chose and the need to continue the work.
What Would My Father Do?
Recently I watched a well-known elected official speak in front of a large audience. From his words and tone, it seemed obvious that this gentleman was speaking only to please those in power and to achieve his own personal gain. He seemed willing to sacrifice his own morals and personal beliefs. Publicly he had abandoned any personal fortitude. By the way, I have seen others exhibit similar behavior additionally lacing their speech with profanity and negativity.
That encounter gave me pause. I wondered. What if I had been at that podium talking like this man. If I had forsaken the morals and ethics my father had taught me. What would my father have done? No doubt that, at the very least, he would have initiated a heart-to-heart conversation, the way he had given me “perspective” at other times during his life. Even as an adult, he would have surely reminded me of the lessons he had loaded in my backpack. So, I wondered what this speaker’s father might be thinking. My dad’s influence on me endures even today. I still feel his presence, so I still endeavor to walk on the path he showed me long ago.
What Should I Do?
It seems the time has come to reflect on whether, like my father, I have sustained my role of being present and acting as a role model for my children. Have I lived a life consistent with his standards of conduct, morals and ethics? Could the changing culture and social pressure be causing me to be slipping away? Am I still living how he taught me? My dad practiced civility. He had compassion and empathy for others. He shared his wisdom as a mentor. He maintained his standards of morals and ethics. He strove always to do his best. Most often he taught by his actions, not his words.
Moving On
Last week, my daughter was married. As part of the wedding ceremony I was fortunate
enough to escort her down the aisle. On that slow and steady walk, I hope she felt that I was present just one more time. That my presence had meant something to her. As I put her hand in the hand of her groom, another page turned in the story of my life. Now forever she will have another to hold her hand and be present for her. The love of her life.
I will move on. While I will always be available, now I will fade further into the background. Hoping that all the years of being present have had an impact. Like my dad, I have been far from perfect and certainly do not have all the “answers”; but I hope that “being there” has been enough. Like me, in times of question, I hope she might sometimes wonder, what would dad do? I have to believe that she will.
On this day of passage, I also reflected on what my daughter had taught me over the years. By her example I learned to be more compassionate, caring and nurturing. Holding my hand when I was hurting or scared, she showed me how to accept the help of others. Gently correcting my missteps, I became more willing to accept feedback coupled with encouragement. We shared the joy that comes from just spending time together. Finally, I had the recognition that my duty is now to share those lessons with others.
A Broader Calling
For me, the work goes on. Now, I feel called to be present for our broader community. The pressures of drugs, alcohol, social media, academic competition and more are creating an unsettling environment. As our society grapples with violence and the lack of civility, compassion, and empathy, I can try to be an advocate. Dads can be role models. We can help maintain the standards by which our communities measure. We can live the lives our fathers dreamed for us. And that we dream for our children. More than ever, there is a need for dads to “be there”.
When we first established dads groups we committed that we would encourage and support each other so we could make the world a better place. So continuing today, if we see others who are not acting within the standards we expect, we should feel called to make our presence felt. The calm, well-reasoned, civil, responsible voices of Be There Dads should be heard. Our moral, ethical behaviors should be seen. As we have sought to have our children learn from us, we should hope that we might influence adults, too.
When I coached kids, I knew that I gave players, parents and others permission to 
behave in the way I did on the sidelines. At practice and games, many eyes were upon me; so I carefully monitored my words and actions. I was instructed to “let my light shine, so that others might see…” Fortunately, many did follow my example. If dads collectively have the courage to let our lights shine … we can overcome the negativity that has crept into our culture.
Where We Started
I am remembering where we started. The goal has always been to be a presence in the lives of our children. To be engaged. To be involved. To build relationships. Keeping my values and faith in mind, I did the best I could. I passed on what I knew. I tried to listen. I hoped and prayed I had done those things that would help them grow to be happy, healthy, self-sustaining and spiritual. They know the lines between good and evil and right and wrong. Along the way, we have encouraged and supported other dads who were on the same mission. Now, I believe that mission stretches further. Those of us who share in the cause should stand in the light to help everyone see there is a choice about how we live our lives together.
The Work Goes On
The work goes on. Dads will always have a purpose, so we must persevere. Our dads passed on “the goodness of life” to us. We must do the same.
